Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie
JOEL: What kind of mischief are you two scamps up to?
CROW: I'm trying to transmute the metal in Servo's body to gold ore, via my occult incantations guidebook.
TOM SERVO: Now, we split the profits, right? 50/50?
CROW: Sure. I'll keep your head, and you can keep your butt.
TOM: Sounds fair. Go for it!
JOEL: That'll have to wait, guys. Peter Pan and Tinkerbell are
calling.
DR FORRESTER: Greetings, castaways.
TV'S FRANK: Hiya.
DR.: Well, Joel, what kind of mundane high school invention
have you come up with this week?
JOEL: You're going to love this, Sirs. We call it the
"Spiritual Redialer."
TOM: Y'know when you're dead-tired, but your psychic buddy from
beyond the grave wants to chat at midnight? Well, worry no more! Thanks
to the Spiritual Redialer, you can tell if somebody tried to contact
your subconscious mind while you slept.
CROW: It also has caller blocking, to keep out those annoying
backward messages from Satan and other manipulative dead people.
ELVIS: Well, baby, I tried callin' but you wasn't home. So
here's a little message from the King: WELL SINCE MY BABY LEFT ME, I
FOUND A NEW PLACE TO DWELL....
ALL: (Start to bob their heads to the music)
JOEL: So what do you think, Sirs?
DR.: A minor accomplishment, Robinson. Nothing of any
scientific importance. My invention, on the other hand, will
revolutionize modern science.
FRANK: And classic rock!
DR.: When little children go to church, they don't want to
listen to a boring sermon. They want their favorite bee-bop songs.
CROW: That's hip-hop--
DR.: Shaddup! Anyway, my invention will take any Godly message
and turn it into something the kids can understand.
FRANK: And dance to!
DR.: Shut up and play the tape, Frank.
JESUS: WELL I REMEMBER GROWIN' UP IN SOUTH BETHLEHEM,
THE ROMAN SIRENS GOIN' OFF FROM SEVEN TILL TEN,
THEY PINNED MY ASS WI' THORNS, AND GAVE ME A SPIKED
CROWN,
I SHOUTED TO THE CHRISTIANS, "HEY ASSHOLES, GET ME
DOWN!"
DR.: So what do you think?
JOEL: That's sacrilege, Sir.
CROW: Oooohhhh! You're going straight into the fiery depths of
Heeeeeell!
DR.: Your experiment today is a dreadful little horror flick
from the late eighties entitled, "Evil Dead Part Two." I must warn you,
the opening credits alone have brought stronger men than you to their
knees. Push the button, Frank.
JOEL: We got movie siiiiiign!
[Montage of the origins of the Book of the Dead]
Prof: (Voice Over) Legend has it that it was written by the Dark
Ones.
Necronomicon ex Mortis, roughly translated, "Book of the Dead".
TOM: Or "Book of Chickens" in certain foreign dialects.
The book served as a passageway to the evil worlds beyond.
JOEL: But you usually lose your luggage.
It was written long ago. When the seas ran red with blood.
TOM: Before they ran brown with filth.
It was this blood that was used to ink the book.
CROW: This was obviously before ink was invented.
In the year 1300 AD, the book disappeared.
ALL: Oooooohhh!
RENAISSANCE PICTURES Presents
EVIL DEAD II
CROW: Well, now we got that out of the way.
[Daytime - In a car while driving on a remote highway]
TOM: Deer crossing!
ALL: Wooooaaahhh!
Linda: So what's this place like?
Ash: Well it's a little run-down...
JOEL: You ever see the "Munsters"?
...but, uh, it's right up in the mountains.
Linda: Are you sure it's deserted?
Ash: Oh yeah... I think so.
Linda: (giggle)
ALL: Awwwww....
[Nighttime - In the cabin]
CROW: The days sure are short up in the mountains.
Ash: Whoa.
Linda: (giggle) Ow.
TOM: Well, at least SOMEBODY's having a good time.
Ash: So what do you think kid?
CROW: (Linda) "I think I want to go home."
Linda: I love it Ash.
Linda: I feel funny about being here. What if the people who own the
place
come home?
Ash: They're not gonna come back.
JOEL: I saw to that!
Even if they do we'll tell them the car broke down or something like
that.
TOM: Veeeeery original.
Linda: With your car, they'd believe it.
Ash: Hey, what do you say we have some champagne hey baby?
JOEL: (Drunk) We'll party till the old folks get home!
Linda: Sure.
Ash: After all, I'm a man and you're a woman, at least last time I
checked.
TOM: Could I just say something?
JOEL: No.
TOM: Oh.
Linda: OK.
TOM: Now I don't wanna say she's easy.....
Ash: Hey! There's a... There's a tape recorder here.
CROW: Hoo-boy, we got a detective on our hands!
Linda: See what's on it.
Prof: (On tape) This is Professor Raymond Knowby, Department of
Ancient
History, log entry number two.
TOM: "....9000 B.C."
I believe I have made a significant
find in the Castle of Candar.
CROW: Ah found mah thrill.....
Having journeyed there with my wife Henrietta, my daughter Annie
and
Associate Professor Ed Getly.
JOEL: And the boys from the choir.
It was in the rear chamber of the castle that we stumbled upon
something remarkable. Morturom Demonto, the "Book of the Dead".
My
wife and I brought the book to this cabin where I could study it
undisturbed.
CROW: Boy, are his priorities misplaced.
It was here that I began the translations. The book speaks of a
spiritual
presence.
ALL: Elvis???
A thing of evil that roams the forests and the dark bowers of
man's domain.
ALL: Elvis!!!
It is through the
recitation of the book's passages that this dark spirit is given
license to possess the living. Included here are the phonetic
pronunciations of those passages.
TOM: Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
CROW: I thought it was.
"Cunda astratta montose eargrets gutt nos veratoos canda amantos
canda".
CROW: He just said a cuss in French.
Ash: Linda? Hey Lind-
TOM: Run girl! Run for your life!
[Outside the cabin]
Ash: Linda!?!
Linda...
JOEL: Most people would get the hint at this point.
[Daytime - At the cabin]
Ash: It's gone. The sun's driven it away. Yeah. For now. Gotta...
Gotta blow out of here for now...
TOM: Gotta...gotta go somewhere where the salmon fly
free....and the
Monkees still sing songs.....
EvlFrc: Join us.
Ash: Ah. Oh. Oh God. No. Oh no. No... no... No!!!!
JOEL: He's in denial.
CROW: No he's not!
Gotta, I gotta get a grip on myself here.
[Nighttime - At a small airport]
Annie: (to crewer) Thank you.
JOEL: Hyuck, t'weren't nuthin'!
Ed: Annie!
Annie: Hi!
Ed: How'd the expedition go?
Annie: Great. I found the pages of the Book of the Dead.
CROW: But my dog ate them.
Ed: Yeah, I got your telegram. Thanks. So what condition are they
in?
Annie: Take a look.
Ed: They haven't aged a day in 3000 years.
JOEL: But then, who has?
Annie: Maybe longer.
Ed: When do we begin the translations?
TOM: When the corn is as high as an elephant's eye...
Annie: Tonight. Is everything all set with my father?
Ed: Well, it should be but I haven't spoken with him in a week.
JOEL: He won't return my calls......
There's no phone in the cabin. We'll take my car, it'll take us
about an hour to get there. Annie you hinted in your telegram that your
father was onto something in the first part of his translations.
ALL: Duh-duh-DUUUUH!
What has he found in the Book of the Dead?
CROW: Shucks, what HASN'T he found?
Annie: Probably nothing. But just possibly, a doorway to another
world?
CROW: Hopefully that world is more interesting than
this one.
TOM: How could it not be?
[Nighttime - In the cabin]
PosLin: Dance with me. (cackling)
JOEL: Oh, they're FRIENDLY ghosts!
Ash: Ahhhhhh Ehhh... yeah, just a-
CROW: Does he know HOW to complete a sentence?
PosLin: Hello lover.
TOM: When paranormal experiences turn into displays of
affection, tomorrow's topic on Oprah.
Ash: Workshed.
ALL: Workshed!
[In the workshed]
PosLin: Even now we have your darling Linda's soul. She suffers in
torment.
CROW: We're making her watch this movie.
Ash: You're going down. Chainsaw.
ALL: Chainsaw!
Linda: Please
Ash... please don't hurt me. You swore- you swore that we'd
always be together. I love you.
TOM: She trusts this loser?
Ash: Nooo!
PosLin: Yah! Your lover is mine and now she burns in Hell.
JOEL: The Hilary Clinton story.
Ash: Oh yeah, all right... OK.
TOM: He doesn't really seem to mind.
CROW: Would you?
[In the cabin]
Ash: I'm fine... I'm fine.
JOEL: But what is "fine?"
MirAsh: I don't think so. We just cut up our girlfriend with a
chainsaw. Does that sound fine? (chuckle)
CROW: (Singing) HAS HE LOST HIS MIND?
ALL: (Singing) CAN HE SEE OR IS HE BLIND?
Ash: You bastards! You dirty bastards! Give me back my hand!
Give me back my haaaaand!!
TOM: Keep the hand, just give him acting ability!
[On a country road at the wrecked bridge]
TOM: Next time, on "Evil Dead"...
Annie: Excuse me. Excuse me. Is this the road to the Knowby cabin?
CROW: I feel a song coming on.
Jake: That's right. And you ain't going there.
Annie: And why not?
JOEL: Cause ah said so!
Annie: There must be another way in. There's gotta be another road or
something.
BobJoe: Sure ain't no road. Why the hell do you want to go up ther for
anyway? Huh?
TOM: (Annie) "It turns me on."
Annie: None of your business.
ALL: Oooohh! Sting!
Jake: (clap) Hey! I just remembered. Why, yeah... that's right.
There is a trail.
TOM: Observe the subtle workings of a true manipulator.
You could uh, follow Bobby Joe and me.
CROW: Bobby Jim?
JOEL: Bobby Jake?
TOM: Bobby Jon?
ALL: Bobby Joe!!!
Ed: Sounds all right to me.
TOM: That right there is one reason to refuse.
Jake: But it'll cost ya.
Annie: How much?
JOEL: Just your SOUL!
Jake: Forty fi- (nudge from Bobby Joe) Hundred buck.
Annie: Tell ya what, you take my bags and you got a deal.
CROW: A real wheeler-and-dealer, that one.
TOM: Has a sharp eye for business.
Jake: Sure. (dorky laugh)
Annie: (with an evil grin) Heh heh.
ALL: Hahahahahahaha!
TOM: Heh hehe.
JOEL: Woooah, nellie that was a good one!
CROW: I didn't get it.
[In the cabin]
Ash: Ah. Ah. That's right. Who's laughing now? Who's laughing now?
Yahhhh! Ahhhh!
CROW: Most probably the people who DIDN'T invest in
this movie.
[On the trail to the cabin]
Jake: Jesus H. Christ... thought all she was talking about were those
two Goddamn little bags.
JOEL: When all these crazy cats get together, ooooh
boy! Watch out!
[In the cabin]
Ash: Here's your new home.
TOM: Y'know, I just realized that this guy is
kinda....wacky. Kinda nutty.
(BOOM)Aha!! Son of a- Arrgh! (BOOM) (BOOM) Gotcha didn't I
you little sucker?! Old double barrel here... blow your butts to
kingdom come. See if we don't...
CROW: Blow 'em all ta' Hell an' let God sort 'em out!
Jake: You little bastard! You gonna be alright honey?
BobJoe: I-I don't know. I-I think so.
TOM: Everyone in this movie is "Bob" something.
Jake: You just sit still for a minute. You know this son of a bitch?
Ed: No we thought her father was going to be here. That's why we
decided-
Annie: Oh my God! Where are my parents?
JOEL: If they have any decency, they're getting their
names changed.
What the hell did you do to them? What the hell did you do to them?
Ed: Annie, come here. Annie, come here... come here.
Jake: We'll throw him in there. Crazy buck's gone blood seeking.
Ash: Wait. I made a mistake. Wait. Wait. Wait. I made a mistake.
TOM: As did the writers.
Jake: Damn right. Blackmail son of a bitch.
BobJoe: I hope you rot down there.
TOM: Come see "Evil Dead" part 2, it's fun for all ages!
[In the cabin]
BobJoe: Oh shit!
Jake: I know it hurts baby, but everything's gonna be fine. Now in
about five minutes I'm gonna go fetch the sheriff and bring him-
JOEL: The sheriff's over at Mt. Pilot watching the
picture show.
Ed: Checked all the other rooms. Folks aren't here. Maybe they
never came.
Annie: But these are my father's things.
CROW: And my mother's underwear!
ALL: *Gasp!*
Prof: (On tape) It's only been a few hours since I've translated and
spoken aloud the first of the demon resurrection passages from the
Book of the Dead.
JOEL: Now I'm going to see if I can get a band
together.
Annie: Shhh... Listen up. This is my father's voice.
Prof: (On tape) And now I fear that my wife has become host to a
Candarian Demon.
CROW: A Canadian demon?
JOEL: No, no. "Candarian."
May God forgive me for what I have unleashed unto this earth.
TOM: That's what the producer said!
Last night Henrietta tried to... kill me.
Annie: No!
CROW: She almost sounds surprised.
Prof: (On tape) It's now October 1st, 4:33 PM. Henrietta is dead.
TOM: ..."drowned in a pool of her own feces."
I could not bring myself to dismember her corpse. But I dragged her
down the steps... and I buried her. I buried her in the cellar. God
help me, I buried her in the earthen floor of the fruit cellar.
CROW: He confesses to a murder all to the tune of a
crappy metaphor.
JOEL: But can he dance?
Ash: Wahhhhhhhhhh!
JOEL: Oh, he's possessed by the soul of comedianne
Lucille Ball!
TOM: "Ricky, let me be in the movie!"
CROW: "No! Now shut up before I give you a beatin'!"
Jake: What the hell was that?
Ed: Somebody's down there with him.
Annie: No, can't be.
CROW: Yeah, who could stand him?
BobJoe: Let's get the fuck out of here.
ALL: Oooohhhh!
PosHen: Someone's in my fruit cellar. Someone with a fresh soul!
JOEL: No, I believe that's a gopher.
Ash: Ah! Ah! Let me out! There's something down here! Ah!
Annie: Let him out!
ALL: Noo!!
Jake: It's a trick, I know it!
CROW: He's a sneaky summa' bitch!
Annie: Let him out!!
Ash: Move it! Open those chains up!
PosHen: Come to me.
ALL: (Singing) COOOOOME TO ME, FAIIIITHFULLY!
Ash: Ah! Help! Help! Help me!
PosHen: Come to sweet Henrietta. Hahaha.
JOEL: These guys have a weird sense of humor.
Annie: Hurry!
Ash: Help! Help me please!
PosHen: I'll swallow your soul.
CROW: Finally! I thought we'd never get to see some
decent
soul-swallowing!
ALL: Swal-low! Swal-low! Swal-low!
BobJoe: Do something!
[In the cabin]
Ash: There's something out there. That... that witch in the cellar
is only part of it. It lives... out in those woods, in the dark...
something... something that's come back from the dead.
BobJoe: Plee! Please let's just get the hell out of here!
CROW: Hey, that's a GREAT idea. Let's get the Hell out
of here.
JOEL: Can't, little buddy. The doors are locked.
CROW: Let's use Servo as a battering ram.
TOM: Hey!
Jake: We're going baby.
JOEL: Going? We're gone, baby!
We're going to get on that trail-
Ash: Nobody's going out that door, not till daylight.
Jake: Now you listen to me-
Hnryta: (singing) Hush little baby don't say a word, Mama's going to by
you a mocking bird. If that mocking bird don't sing, Mama's going to
buy you a diamond ring. If that diamond ring turns brass, Mama's going
to buy you a looking glass.
CROW: It's nice to know the spirit of Mamma Cass lives
on.
Hnryta: Remember that song Annie? I used to sing it to you when you
were a baby.
TOM: (Annie) And if you recall, that's why I killed you
in the first place.
Annie: Mother?
JOEL: Or an incredible simulation?
Hnryta: Unlock these chains. Quickly!
Annie: No.
Hnryta: You were born September 2nd, 1962. I remember it well because
it was snowing. So strange it would be snowing in September.
TOM: Oh, I dunno. Winters are lasting a lot longer
nowadays.
Annie: That thing in the cellar is not my mother.
CROW: Thank you for stating the blatantly obvious.
PosEd: We are the things that were and shall be again. Hahahahha.
?Steps? of the Book. We want what is yours. Life! Ha ha ha ha! Dead
by dawn. Dead by dawn.
JOEL: Now everybody, sing along!
PosHen: Dead by dawn. Dead by dawn.
PosEd: Dead by dawn. Dead by dawn.
PosHen: Dead by dawn.
PosEd: Dead by dawn.
CROW: Joel, I'm scared.
JOEL: We all are.
PosHen: Let me out.
Jake: Thirsty son of a bitch.
ALL: Burn!
Annie: Where you going? Help us you filthy coward!
TOM: Sorry, I have to go cheapen another movie!
PosHen: Quickly. Set me free.
PosHen: We live! We live still!
ALL: Damn!
[Still Nighttime - Still in the cabin]
Jake: That's funny.
BobJoe: What.
Jake: That trail we came in here on? It just ain't there no more.
Like, like the woods just swallowed her up.
JOEL: That's our Jake, everyone. Isn't he wonderful?
Annie: It's so quiet.
Jake: What the hell was that?
Ash: Maybe something trying to force its way into our world.
CROW: Or maybe the pizza boy's here.
BobJoe: It's in there.
Ash: We'll all go in together.
TOM: Leave the guns here, we'll take flashlights.
Jake: Hell no. You're the curious one.
JOEL: No, I'm the bumbling one. Bobby Joe is the
curious one.
TOM: (BobJoe) No, I'm the ugly one. Bobby Jim's the
curious one.
CROW: (BobJim) No, I'm the shamelessly untalented,
ignorant and incompetant one.
Annie: Hey. I'll go with you.
JOEL: We have a weiner!
[In the other room]
Jake: Shit. I told you there weren't nothing in here no how.
CROW: Could you make the Missouri dialect a little more
thick? I can barely pick it up!
Jake: Holy Mother o' Mercy.
TOM: Who is Mercy's mother?
CROW: Cowardice.
Annie: Father?
JOEL: Well, now Mercy's whole family is here.
CROW: I wish they'd have mercy on us.
Spirit: Annie. There is a dark spirit here that wants to destroy you.
TOM: Gee, I can't comprehend why.
Your salvation lies there. In the pages of the book. Recite the
passages. Dispel the evil. Save my soul. And your own lives!
JOEL: Do I HAVE to?
BobJoe: Jake. You're holding my hand too tight.
Jake: Baby, I ain't holding your hand.
CROW: Hey, a romantic subplot!
TOM: How can there be a subplot with no real plot?
CROW: Really talented writers.
Jake: Hey? Where's Bobby Joe?
JOEL: You oughta know, dude. You two were practically
smooching.
[In the cabin]
Jake: Hey? Where the hell is she? We gotta go out there and find
her.
Ash: If she went out in those woods, you can forget about her.
TOM: (Jake) Well, spilled milk.
JOEL: BobbyJim, you're up!
Annie: What's wrong?
Ash: Felt like someone just walked over my grave.
CROW: Oh, if only!
What's that picture? What is that?
Annie: In 1300 AD they called this man the, ah, hero from the sky. He
was prophesied to have destroyed the Evil.
Ash: Didn't do a very good job...
JOEL: They must be talking about the writers.
Can you find it?
Annie: Here it is, two passages. Recitation of this first passage will
make this dark spirit manifest itself in the flesh.
Ash: Why the hell would we want to do that?
CROW: Maybe it was how he got his kicks.
Annie: Recitation of this second passage creates a kind of rift in time
and space. And the physical manifestation of this dark spirit can be
forced back into the rift.
JOEL: Hmmm...descisions, descisions...
At least that's the best translation that I can-
(shotgun reloading)
ALL: UH-OOOOOH!
Jake: Uh-huh. That's right. I'm running the show now.
CROW: Well, THEY'RE doomed. Let's go.
We're going to go out there in them woods and look for Bobby
Joe. Once we find her we're getting the hell out of here.
Ash: No you idiot! You'll kill us all. She's dead by now. Don't
you understand? With these pages, at least we have a chance.
Jake: Bunch of mumbo jumbo bullshit. These pages don't mean squat.
TOM: He goes from "bullshit" to "squat".
Besides, now you ain't got no choice. Now move!
[Outside the cabin]
Jake: Move.
Ash: Look. You're nuts.
CROW: You only just noticed that now?
Jake: I said move!
JOEL: Oh, is THAT what he said. Silly me, I thought he
said moose.
Annie: No! You stupid fool!
Jake: I'll blow your fucken head off.
Ash: Hey. No trail. Where to now?
Jake: Bobby Joe! Bobby Joe!! Bobby Joe!!!
ALL: (Singing) EVERYBODY'S DOING THE BOBBY JOE!
Ash: You'll get us all killed!
Jake: Shut up!
Annie: Leave him alone!
JOEL: Geez, what a glutton for punishment.
TOM: Yeah,. Ash, leave the gun-wielding maniac alone!
Jake: Get outta here- Bobby Joe!!!! Bobby - Joe!!!!! Bobby Joe...
Where are you, girl?
TOM: I never realized what a strong hold Bobby Joe had
in the hearts of her admirers.
CROW: Yeah, but we're only seeing THIS guy's point of
view.
TOM: Good point.
PosAsh: You're next. Annie!
ALL: Yes!!
[Inside the cabin]
Annie: No... no...
ALL: Yes, yes!!!
Jake: Ahhhh!
Annie: I'm sorry!
Jake: Get me another room. Get the axe. We'll kill it when it
comes back.
TOM: And here we see Jake foreshadowing his ironic
violent end.
But first, pull this damn thing out of me!
JOEL: No, no, you silly girl! That;s my penus!
Jake: Ahhh! I can't breathe, I can't breathe. Hurry!
Annie: I'm trying! I'm trying!
Jake: Ahhhh!
Annie: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
TOM: First smart thing she's said all movie.
Jake: Check outside the windows. Check the windows, he's probably
rightb out- Ahhh! Help me!
Annie: Oh God! Ahhhhh!
PosAsh: Ahhhhh!! Waahahaha!
ALL: Ahhhhhhh!!
Ash: No! No wait! Listen to me! I'm alright now. That thing is
gone!
CROW: Damn! He survived!
Damn it! I said I was alright! Are you listening to me? You
hear what I'm saying? I'm alright! I'm alright.
JOEL: D'ya think he's alright?
Annie: OK, maybe you are. But for how long? If we're going to beat
this thing, we need those pages.
Ash: Then let's head down into that cellar and carve ourselves a
witch.
JOEL: Oh, you crazy kids and your fetishes!
PosHen: (cackling) Hahahaha.
CROW: No, it wasn't that funny.
[In the workshed]
Ash: Groovy.
TOM: Now I have a new respect for him. I used to think
he was a useless background character drastically underdeveloped.
CROW: And now?
TOM: A useless background character who talks like a
dick.
[In the cabin]
Ash: Those pages are down there somewhere.
JOEL: Let's see...Penthouse...Penthouse....Penthouse...
..ah, here we go!
Annie: "Nos veratos alamemnon conda."
TOM: "I have to tinkle."
CROW: "Butter."
JOEL: "Bubba Likes tortillas."
Ash: (whistles) Let's go.
PosHen: I'll swallow your soul. I'll swallow your soul.
CROW: Souls must taste pretty damn good. It's so
popular.
Annie: (singing) Hush little baby don't say a word, Mama's going to
buy you a mock- mocking bird.PosHen: Hey! I'll swallow your soul! I'll
swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul!
TOM: I think he's trying to tell us something.
CROW: Maybe he's hungry.
TOM: Maybe he's wet.
JOEL: Maybe he's just a scared little boy who is afraid
to love.
ALL: Aaaahhh.....
Ash: Swallow this. (BOOM)
CROW: Points for delivery?
TOM: Ah.....no.
Ash: G-
ALL: G-!!!
Annie: I only completed the first of the passages and that was to make
the Evil a thing of the flesh!
JOEL: Oh, silly me, the pages stuck together!
CROW: Maybe no one will notice.
Ash: Finish it!
Annie: There's still the second passage. The one- the one to open the
rift and send the Evil back!
CROW: Y'know, in the time it took her to tell us
something we already know, she could have recited the passage.
JOEL: I think she's filling in the people who came in
late.
Ash: Well start reciting it! Now!
TOM: (Annie) I can't work under all this pressure!
Ash: Don't look Annie! Finish the passages! Get rid of it!
Ash: No!!!
JOEL: Make up your mind!
EvlTre: We've won. We've won. Victory is ours.
TOM: Gee, d'ya think?
Ash: You did it kid. By God-
No!!!! Ahhhhh!! For God's sake! How do you stop it?
CROW: I'd tell ya', but it's purty gross.
[Late Medieval England]
TOM: And now scenes from the next exciting episode of
"Dead Evil."
CROW: You mean "Evil Dead."
TOM: I meant what I said, dammit!"
Man: Slay the beast. It is a deadite!
CROW: Ahh, one of Jake's ancestors no doubt.
Man: Run! Back to the castle!
(BOOM)
ALL: (Humming the theme to "Quantum Leap.")
Knight: Hail he who has come from the skies to deliver us from the
terrors of the deadites!
Crowd: Hail! Hail! Hail!
CROW: Amazing how they don't just freak out.
Ash: No! No! No!! No!!! No!!!! No!!!! No!!!
JOEL: Now, now. If you face your fear, you can conquer
it!
directed by SAM RAIMI
ALL: Boooo!
produced by ROBERT G. TAPERT
ALL: Boooo!
starring BRUCE CAMPBELL
ALL: Whooo?
written by SAM RAIMI
SCOTT SPIEGEL
TOM: It took two clowns to write this mess?
executive IRVIN SHAPIRO
JOEL: Never trust a Shapiro.
producers ALEX DE BENEDETTI
co-producer BRUCE CAMPBELL
music composed JOSEPH LO DUCA
by
special make up MARK SHOSTROM
TOM: I thinka ll the makeup was rather...."special."
designed and
created by
director of PETER DEMING
photography
director of EUGENE SHLUGLEIT
night
exterior
photography
art directors PHILIP DUFFIN
RANDY BENNETT
edited by KAYE DAVIS
CROW: Oh, that can't be right. There couldn't have been
something
too ridiculous that it had to be cut out.
JOEL: Actually, this whole movi is made up of
cut-scenes from the
original.
CAST
BRUCE CAMPBELL ash
SARAH BERRY annie
TOM: I wonder what ever happened to these guys?
CROW: Ritual suicide.
DAN HICKS jake
KASSIE WESLEY bobby joe
ALL: Yeah! Bobby Joe!!! Woooo!
THEODORE RAIMI possessed henrietta
DENISE BIXLER linda
TOM: Oscar winner for shortest appearance in an
opening scene.
RICHARD DOMEIER ed
JOHN PEAKS professor knowby
LOU HANCOCK henrietta
fake shemps
CROW: Fake Shemps? What's that?
JOEL: They're like Elvis Impersonators.
SID ABRAMS
JOSH BECKER ROC SANDSTORM
SCOTT SPIEGEL THOMAS KIDD
MITCH CANTOR JENNY GRIFFITH
and featuring the amazing voice of
WILLIAM PRESTON ROBERTSON
TOM: ".....Who has killed himself in shame and
revulsion."
"Evil Dead II", the sequel to the ultimate experience in
grueling terror, was filmed in Wadesboro, North Carolina and Detroit,
U.S.A.
JOEL: So what do you think, guys? Better or worse than
the first one?
TOM: There was a first one?
JOEL: Of course. Crap like this isn't born, it has to
evolve.
C1987 Rosebud Releasing Corporation. All rights reserved.
CROW: Who'd want them?
--
Approximate Running Time: 84 minutes
TOM: Funny, it seemed a lot longer.
JOEL: Well, I think we all carried something away from that
movie.
CROW: Yeah, my lunch....!
TOM: I'm confused, Joel.
JOEL: What about, my little metallic compadre?
TOM: Well, this "rift" of theirs was proclaimed to be a hole in
time and space. Now, if this is correct, and judging by the black hole
phenomenon, no outside Terran force should have been able to manipulate
the chronal energies that would be released by such a rift. In fact,
Annie and Ash would have been sucked from the time-space-continuum like
soda through a straw.
DR: ?
FRANK:that would be released by such a rift. In fact, Annie and
Ash would have been
sucked from the time-space-continuum like soda through a straw.
DR: ?
FRANK: ??
JOEL & CROW: ???
TOM: *Sigh.* Laymen. Allow me to demonstrate. Joel, hand me
that box there.
JOEL: Hey, what's in this?
TOM: It's the Sattelite of Love's chronal energy conductor.
Now, as you see when I pull this switch.......
BOOOM!
DR.: Oh, perfect. That's going to shoot my cleaning deposit all
to Heck. Push the button, Frank. Frank? Frank, put that down!
BOOM!
THE END